Pulsating
by ireneotaku
Summary: Len ponders life, and whether it's worth causing emotion.


Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid.

A/N: Something that really did happen to me a while ago.

Summary: Len ponders life, and whether it's worth causing emotion.

LEN POV

I could almost feel it, my heart pulsating under the blade of the knife. The blade wasn't touching my bare wrists, or at least they weren't yet. I was home all alone once again; nothing new to me, but not something I enjoyed either. Though I suppose you can't be sane if you enjoy being alone day after day and night after night. Somewhere deep inside myself I did enjoy it, I think down deep inside I just may be a masochist.

A realization came to me just recently on the subject of happiness. I don't want to be happy, and I don't deserve to either. Lying all the years that I have to everyone even my own sister Rin, there's no way that I can live my life happily when it's based on lies. My life if you can even call it such is filled with a gaping hole where my heart should be. I want to do something anything to feel something in the hole where my heart is. Even if it causes pain to me and others near me I want to feel something. As a greedy human I care about myself first and foremost, and my greed propels me to want feel something.

Are you really living if you can't feel anything, are you really alive? If you feel neither sadness, happiness, nor any other feeling are you really alive? If people live because of feeling when you feel nothing how can you even be considered alive? The answer a harsh and painful you're not alive. Life is an objective term given to someone who's living. Though if the person is living both physically and emotionally is hardly taken into account until someone dies. If someone brings up another being a cutter or someone who committed suicide they cease to talk to them as a human. People often begin to wonder why people throw their lives away like that.

To a person like me who has been into the pit of despair brought by numbness it hurts to hear of how people don't reach out to others who have been through hard times like that. That people often talk as if they were stupid people who made the largest stupid mistake of their life. Even though I understand the despair, and pain that's caused I've found that I can't help others. I'm no use because pain can't heal pain only love can.

Standing here holding a knife over my arm contemplating what I should do, I can either walk away or harm myself purposely. Something I've thought of so much seeing my blood spill profusely from my arm, what would that feel like. The gentle pressure of the knife something that I've only ever imagined to myself. However, in a moment the pressure will be real, and I won't have to imagine what it would feel like anymore.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly the phone rings. I answer hesitantly best to answer now as to not get someone suspicious until later.

"Hello."

I answer firmly trying to sound my usual calm and composed self.

"Len, do you need anything while we're out?"

It's my sister Rin asking me, I know her voice anywhere.

"No I'm fine."

She pauses unnaturally for a moment before proceeding to speak to me again.

"Ok Len don't forget I love you."

"Ok Rin is that all?"

"Yes bye."

She says before hanging up.

I stand there completely dumbfounded; I hadn't heard such an important phrase said so wholeheartedly in a long time. I decide to put the knife back where I got it from, before I stand there. As I stand I can't help but to break into tears, there's an inexplicable feeling running through me from the simple phrase. I somehow feel unsure of everything I'd thought of as if my world was changed in an instant.

8 months later

A normal day with my friends Miku and Luka. Life seems so different from what it had been. As if a third choice has been cut out. No longer would I inflict self harm on myself, making the choices easier. I can either live or die no in between really a choice I have, and will always give myself. Even if no one understands why I do and that's all that really matters to me. I move on in my life quietly, but hopefully sometimes there are people moving through life just as silently with me.

A/N Please review


End file.
